Do you have moments from your life that haunt you? A moment of regret? Something you wish you hadn't done or said and that you cannot take back ever with no amount of forgiveness?
I have one. I probably have many more but as I was quietly listening this morning for inspiration of what to write, I heard Amy Weston. I can see the moment in time when I said it, where I was, what I was doing. And now I think I might see God's hand in it.
When I was, let's say, 8 years old, my best friend was Amy Weston. My mom, for some reason, looked down at the Westons. I'm sure she made comments that make me think this. I thought the Westons were the coolest family ever. Amy was an only child and she was showered with love. They had a baby blue VW bug convertible and we would drive to the beach for the day in it. I loved the feel of the wind in my hair and the towel flapping in the breeze. Oh how I loved Amy and her family!
During the winter, Amy and I took an art class together at the local community college. I remember melting crayons to make pictures--fire and melted wax--it doesn't get much better than that! Then we took an acting class. I can't imagine that I loved it but she was in it and so was Linda F. When it was time to resign up, my mom said that Amy couldn't do both because her family couldn't afford to do both.
Saturday morning came and Amy and I were helping my mom with the Altar Guild (I was an expert at dressing the chalice). I can see me walking down the aisle toward the front of the church where my mom was decorating with greens (must have been Advent :). I said, "Amy my mom says that you can't take art class and acting class because your parents can't afford it. Isn't that stupid?"
I cringe to this day. My mom made some comment about how that's not what she meant, she meant everyone can't do everything. Needless to say I did not get to do acting again! Amy poor thing was dumbfounded. I know what I said must have hurt her feelings and I never really found a way to apologize. I can't help but think that I said what I said to be hurtful. I think I was angry with my mom and wanted her to be humiliated and in the end I hurt my friend instead.
Amy moved to Richmond a couple years later. I was devastated. We wrote letters back and forth for a couple years, but we lost touch.
And I still feel really badly about that. I can never change that it happened.
And I think that in some way it changed my path that day. I think that many of the things I am today can be traced to that moment and moments like that--throughout my life. I became a little more thoughtful, a little more humble, and hopefully a little more unselfish that day.
I wonder if Amy remembers that moment?